Ch 3: Grief & Gratitude
Grief
In the fetal position sobbing, I couldn’t understand how everyone was going on like nothing was wrong. The world continued to spin, but I didn’t feel a part of it. Liane was gone, and it made no sense that life was supposed to continue as usual. How? My dear friend/co-worker was gone and I’ll never hear her voice again. We talked or texted most days and now I was to cope with the silence? Again I ask, how am I supposed to go on from here?
There Was No Warning
I wanted to text and ask if she’s really on a fun trip and punking us. Denial. It didn’t make sense; we worked together all day. She didn’t miss a beat, didn’t act lethargic, and seemed perfectly fine. No complaints, but that wasn’t unusual. Liane didn’t complain because that was a waste of time. I thought — this can’t be happening. When I wake up, I’ll see this was all a dream.
The pain of this sudden loss was too much. I didn’t want to eat; crying and sleeping were all I could muster. Liane was my closest friend who passed away during my adult life. I’m blessed in that way. I felt gutted; she was stolen from me and I wanted her back. Anger. Why her? I don’t understand why fantastic people are taken from this earth too soon.
We will never know exactly what happened, but she was sitting on her couch when she passed away peacefully and without suffering on November 5th, 2020. Sadly, she was not tested for covid, so we don’t know if it played a role, but the coroner said it appeared to be a sudden and massive heart attack.
How We Met
We needed a paralegal at the law firm a few years before we met and our friend Jennifer recommended I meet Liane. She was in her late-50s and came from a human resources background. When I interviewed her for the job, we clicked immediately. She was easy to talk to, mature, highly intelligent, kind, and funny. In a word, she was WONDERFUL and started the work the next day.
We soon found out that Liane was knowledgeable and knew a little about many things. She not only became a mentor to me, but she also helped us organize the office in a more efficient way. Liane worked harder than anyone I know, and she found joy and took pride in a job well done. There are few people these days who have the same work ethic as she did. I feel like God hand-picked her for us.
Was she sick and didn’t tell us? Was there something I could have done to prevent this? Bargaining. The could’ve, should’ve, and would’ves plagued me. What did I miss? As time passed, I processed the fact that she would never sit at the front desk of our office again. She wouldn’t be there to speak out about her politics and liberal views.
Dark Winter
The Winter of 2020/2021 was dark for me. I’ve battled anxiety and depression since college and the winter months are hard for me. My doctor diagnosed me with Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD) and I’m on prescription medication. But Liane was gone and I couldn’t see at that moment how to go on. Depression. While in the darkness, I knew she would be upset and think I was wasting valuable time crying over her passing. I could hear her say, “You have more important things to do. Stop crying and go live your life.”
Acceptance. By the Spring of 2021, I accepted she was only meant to be in my life for a short time. I believe we came to experience the dichotomy of emotions. Without the incredibly sad and heartbreaking times, we would not appreciate the joyful ones as intensely. It is after sickness that we most appreciate our health. If I never met Liane, I wouldn’t’ve learned so much from her example of how to be kind even when frustrated, professional when annoyed, compassionate always, and open-minded.
Gratitude
I am grateful for what Liane taught me as she led by example. She spoke her mind but knew when to keep quiet. She was witty and hilarious! We laughed together often; Liane was a loving mother and a loyal friend. When you met her, she made you feel special and seen. I loved her eye contact and how it made me feel heard when I talked, and she listened intently. She thought of others first, then herself. Spending time with her made me more like her; I choose to love and be compassionate like she was.
I’ll never understand why he took her away so soon, but I am grateful for the time we had together. Liane loved all people and was extremely supportive of her friends. She was kind and considerate. Being a cheerleader came naturally to her, and she blessed more people than she ever realized. Her encouraging words will live forever in my mind.
Mind, Body, Spirit Connection
I’m 100% sure there is a mind, body, spirit interaction and we are more than just our body. Our body is our temple, and it houses our spirit. I know Liane’s soul went on to better things and may even come back to earth to learn more lessons if she chooses. I read recently that people who passed away and came back to life agreed we are a couple of questions God asked them when they died. How much love did you give and receive? What did you learn?
Losing Liane changed me. I may not be spiritually awake today without having experienced both loving and losing this woman. It is through tragedy that we grow as individuals. We dive deep into our sadness and hang on to sometimes a thin thread of hope and carry on. From this loss, I chose gratitude. I’m forever grateful for my time with Liane and for her friendship. She taught me how to be a better person by setting an excellent example for everyone around her. You can’t appreciate the sunny days without the rainy days. If all the days were great, then there would be no contrast between the dark and light. How I wish she was here for me to talk to about all I’m learning and experiencing. Until our souls cross paths again, fly high sweet friend.
